If someone told me in high school that one day the fate of my retirement—if not the collective sanity of the Western world—would hinge on Donald Trump’s “BIG NEWS” about trading marmalade with the United Kingdom, I would have asked how much they’d been drinking. And whether I could join them.
This Wednesday, Bitcoin swaggered up to the $100,000 line, or as close to it as you can get without actually ruining your cousin’s short position. Meanwhile, investors were glued to President Trump’s latest truth bomb. (If you’re unfamiliar, Truth Social is where you go to see what Twitter would look like if it were run out of a golf cart.)
Apparently, Trump got on that platform and teased an international trade deal so monumental, you’d think the UK’s contribution would be the original Magna Carta and a shipment of Prince Harry’s memoirs. The price of Bitcoin surged from “wealthy dentist’s midlife crisis” to “I just bought a Lamborghini made entirely of gold flakes.”
Bitcoin Rises, FOMO Nation Stands at Attention
If you ever want to see grown men use “FOMO” in a public forum without a trace of irony, just check crypto Twitter. Neil Jacobs, apparently the designated hype-man, posted:
TRUMP: BIG NEWS CONFERENCE TOMORROW 10AM EST IN OVAL, MAJOR TRADE DEAL WITH A BIG & HIGHLY RESPECTED COUNTRY
— Neil Jacobs (@NeilJacobs) May 8, 2025
You can almost hear the sound of thirty thousand keyboards hammering out panicked buy orders, and at least one intern in a basement trying to reboot CoinGlass before his ramen boils over.
Let’s not forget the last time Bitcoin hit a new high: Trump’s second inauguration. If you’re the kind of person who keeps a scrapbook of all your Bitcoin highs, you’ll remember that day as “that time Aunt Helen texted me to ask where to buy Dogecoin.”
Crypto Mood Ring: Solidly Greed With a Chance of Regret
The famous Crypto & Fear Index flipped to “Greed” with a reading of 65, which means everyone has decided their mother-in-law is wrong and this is finally their ticket out of having a real job. Of course, “Greed” is always a comforting sign that you’re buying at the top—just as the universe intended.
Short sellers, meanwhile, woke up to find $96 million worth of their dreams evaporated. That’s the kind of number that either makes you weep into a velvet pillow or update your LinkedIn profile with “aspiring day trader, seeking flexible work.”
Meanwhile, in the Oval Office: The Fed left interest rates flat, presumably to spite everyone. Trump, meanwhile, was still shaking his tiny fist at yet another policy decision, because what’s a day in American finance without a dollop of drama?
Apparently, the last time we did this dance was in February, when yet another tariff tirade sent BTC north of $100,000. There’s nothing investors love more than unpredictable trade policies, except possibly getting their news secondhand from their barber, who is coincidentally also deep into NFTs.
Is Bitcoin about to stay north of $100K? Will Trump trade Big Ben for the rights to Paddington Bear? Nobody knows. But if you’re looking for a sign that you should stay close to your news feed (and your therapist), now’s probably the time.
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2025-05-09 03:26