Even by video game movie standards, Borderlands is an all-time disaster

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Even by video game movie standards, Borderlands is an all-time disaster

As a seasoned cinephile with over three decades under my belt, I’ve seen my fair share of cinematic disasters and masterpieces alike. The Borderlands movie, however, has managed to carve itself a special place in the annals of film history – for all the wrong reasons.

As a young child, my dad escorted me to the city to witness a marching band. He asked me, “Child, could you become the rescuer of the wounded, weary, and lost when you grow older?” With seriousness, he looked up at the heavens before reminding me of his mortality. “One day, I’ll vanish from your sight, a ghost, to guide you during summertime, to walk in the procession of shadows.” The rest of the parade was mostly quiet, except for my father occasionally whispering to himself, “I am but a man, not a hero.”

As a lifelong fan of science fiction and action films, I have seen my fair share of movies that didn’t quite live up to expectations. But none has left me as disappointed and disheartened as the recent release, “Borderlands”. Having grown up with the mantra of standing up for the underdog, the downtrodden, and those considered lost causes, I find it particularly galling when a film fails so spectacularly in that regard.

Eli Roth’s script for Borderlands, co-written with Joe Crombie and numerous unacknowledged contributors, opens with cunning bounty hunter Lilith (portrayed by Cate Blanchett) delivering heavy-handed narration. Atlas, a wealthy individual (played by Edgar Ramirez), tasks her with recovering his daughter Tina (Ariana Greenblatt) on the perilous planet Pandora. Upon arrival, she uncovers that Tina is living with soldier Roland (Kevin Hart) and muscular Krieg (Floria Munteanu). As a series of complex betrayals unfold, Lilith finds herself allied with her young quarry. The goal now for everyone, including the loquacious robot Claptrap (voiced by Jack Black), is to locate The Vault – a legendary chamber containing alien artifacts hidden somewhere on Pandora.

In simpler terms, the video game series “Borderlands” is similar to what an R-rated movie would look like if shown on children’s TV shows like “Arthur” or “Hey Arnold”. If you were to create a kid-friendly show that mimicked a mature movie without graphic content, “Borderlands” would be a perfect fit. The violence in the game is non-graphic and the strong language, such as “Poopyhead”, is used heavily but not shown explicitly. Each character is drawn with exaggerated features, which could work for a brief appearance in shows like “Chowder” or “Camp Lazlo”. However, if you were to watch 100 minutes of “Borderlands” as a standalone movie in 2024, it would be quite intense and not enjoyable for the intended audience.

The film “Borderlands” lacks both life and originality; it seems to long for an opportunity to embrace its chaotic side. For instance, the meta-opening narration and Pandora being portrayed as a chaotic place hint at this desire. However, this is problematic because the concept of “provocative” in this film appears to be grounded in late 2000s internet culture. The character Tina, with her army of explosive cute stuffed animals, brings to mind the cartoon series “Happy Tree Friends.” Moreover, Tina’s quirky dialogue, such as describing her father as unhinged, feels reminiscent of sarcastic social media posts from 2008.

Then there’s Dr. Patricia Tannis (Jamie Lee Curtis). With lines like “I can tell by your body language you’re angry” or “I’m finally feeling emotion”, not to mention gags about her being oblivious to the needs of other characters, Tannis is clearly evoking stereotypical (and harmful) pop culture portrayals of autism. She’s a Sheldon Cooper clone arriving 17 years after The Big Bang Theory began airing. Were these discernibly late-2000s comedic elements supposed to evoke the year (2009) when the first Borderlands video game came out? Or, more likely, is it just a product of incredibly lazy screenwriting? With stale gags and cultural influences informing its script, Borderlands never comes close to evoking true anarchy. You can’t posit your band as akin to The Dead Kennedys and sing Imagine Dragons lyrics.  

As the third act unfolds, the creative quality of Borderlands noticeably dips. It overdoes sentimental moments that feel unearned and predictable, lacking any style or finesse. Scenes reminiscent of far superior films such as Kung Fu Panda 2 and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 are brazenly copied. This unoriginal content serves to conclude underdeveloped character arcs. The lack of creativity is astounding. Borderlands fails to deliver on either edgy cinema or mainstream appeal. Its only success might be in putting some viewers to sleep.

Anyone seeking mere summer blockbuster thrills from the movie “Borderlands” may find themselves severely underwhelmed. Sloppy editing, likely omitting gorier scenes to adhere to a PG-13 rating, makes the action scenes indistinct. If you’re hoping for the imaginative kill scenes that characterized Roth’s previous works (such as the trampoline scene in the “Thanksgiving” parody trailer), it’s best to leave those hopes behind. In “Borderlands”, even explosions, Cate Blanchett wielding guns, and Gina Gershon portraying a brothel owner fail to deliver excitement.

In a more relaxed and conversational manner: Instead of offering exciting action sequences, Borderlands opts for an overwhelming amount of noise. It’s constant! Every moment is filled with hastily dubbed jokes, many of which are delivered by Claptrap. If you’re someone who craves Jack Black-style non-stop humor in a voice reminiscent of Orko and Fuzzbucket, then your persistence has paid off. However, for the majority of people, Claptrap’s persistent, loud wit will become tiresome. A moment of silence is hard to find without Claptrap delivering lengthy jokes designed to cause discomfort. It’s unclear what the creative minds behind Borderlands were thinking, but Claptrap hitting on a vending machine with the phrase “hey, sugar chips!” falls short compared to Rocket Raccoon’s antics in Guardians of the Galaxy.

In the movie “Borderlands,” the most glaring error in casting is using a performer criminally miscast as Black. However, this isn’t the only instance where actors don’t match their roles in this cinematic disaster. Talents with impressive resumes are wasted here…and Kevin Hart, who has proven himself in films like “Ride Along,” is also underutilized. His portrayal of a “serious” soldier is insulting and shows he can’t pull off a tough guy persona effectively. Edgar Ramirez fails to bring any unique charm to his role as another forgettable American blockbuster villain. Cate Blanchett delivers a performance with occasional glimpses of wild energy, but her character soon transforms from anarchic to a surrogate mother figure for Tina. It seems that only maternal skills can define female characters in this script, unfortunately.

Although my father encourages me to cheer for the flawed portrayal of Borderlands, I cannot bring myself to do so. This poorly executed movie stands out as exceptionally inept even among the low standards of video game adaptations. Its numerous flaws reveal a blatant disregard for the audience or creativity itself. Despite it stealing 104 minutes of my life, Borderlands didn’t shatter me. As a cinephile, I will persevere. Just as Gerard Way once urged me, I shall embody this role (a passionate moviegoer), desiring everything…but movies as abysmal as Borderlands. It should remain at the very back of the Black Parade.

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2024-08-10 01:15