Crypto’s Gone Cuckoo! Has Trump Ruined Bitcoin?! 😱

by

Oh. My. God. The crypto market. You know, that thing I was *sure* was going to make me rich enough to finally ditch my hideous floral sofa? Turns out it’s more volatile than my ex-boyfriend after too much Pinot Grigio. Bitcoin, bless its little digital heart, apparently did some sort of gravity-defying leap to $109,000 in January, only to faceplant back down to $91,000. Honestly, it’s giving me whiplash. 😫

So, 2024 was supposed to be *the* year, wasn’t it? Spot ETFs, Trump in the White House, the whole shebang! I even bought a “Make Crypto Great Again” hat (don’t judge). But, alas, the market seems to be doing its own chaotic salsa dance. And everyone’s blaming poor Sykodelic, some mysterious crypto guru person, who apparently declared on X (formerly Twitter, so retro!) that the “market is totally cooked.” Well, duh. 🙄

Sykodelic (seriously, who *names* themselves that?) moaned that even with all Trump’s crypto-friendly shenanigans, the market “just keeps on retracing.” It’s like trying to train a cat! Apparently, everyone’s baffled. Even The Bitcoin Therapist (I didn’t even know that was a *job*!) thinks “something is terribly wrong.” Maybe everyone needs a nice cup of chamomile tea and a long lie-down. 🧘‍♀️

Right now, Bitcoin’s teetering around $97,508.76, which is apparently a 1.29% drop. According to CoinMarketCap (whoever they are), it’s already plummeted 10% from its “all-time high.” Maybe I should just invest in chocolate. At least I know I’ll get some short-term satisfaction. 🍫

Altcoin Season Delayed (Just Like My Dating Life)

Apparently, all the “experts” (who are usually about as accurate as a weather forecast in London) thought that Bitcoin would peak in 2025. The idea was that after Trump’s inauguration, all that lovely moolah would trickle down to the altcoins. You know, the ones I’ve never heard of and still don’t understand. But, NOPE. 🎉

Instead, Bitcoin’s gone completely bonkers, bouncing around like a hyperactive toddler, while the altcoins are just sitting there, refusing to do anything exciting. Seriously, Cardano, Chainlink, Avalanche… wake up and smell the coffee! They haven’t even reached their previous highs. Bitcoin’s hogging all the glory with a 60.3% market dominance. It’s all so unfair! 😡

The altcoin market cap chart thingy (courtesy of TradingView, which sounds like a dating app for traders) helpfully excludes Bitcoin and Ether (whatever they are). The Relative Strength Index (RSI) is at 40.46, which apparently means the “bears” are in control. Whatever *that* means. Sounds a bit scary. 🐻

And as if that wasn’t depressing enough, the chart thingy also shows that the altcoin market lost its 20-day exponential moving average thingy. Apparently, the “bulls” need to reclaim this “crucial level” of $900 billion. Honestly, it all sounds like a foreign language. Maybe I should just stick to watching Netflix. 🎬

Read More

2025-02-05 15:28