Crypto Token Failures: You Won’t Believe What Happened In Early 2025 😱

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Picture the mighty crypto landscape at the dawn of 2025: bustling streets of promise, echoing optimism, and the faint, lingering smell of burnt money. Then, lo! A tidal wave of failures crashed down, taking out 1.8 million newly-hatched crypto tokens. CoinGecko, a group that claims to know the difference between a token and a toadstool, assures us this amounts to a whopping 25% of all crypto tokens birthed since 2021. Goodness gracious, the attrition rate is starting to look less like financial evolution and more like digital crocodile feeding time. 🐊💸

Crypto Tokens: The Mayflies Of Modern Finance?

The script, according to CoinGecko’s resident arcane number-wizard, Shaun Paul Lee: Of the nearly seven million cryptocurrencies since 2021, over 3.6 million have already gone belly up, taking their dreams, Discord channels, and shoddily animated logos with them. If this was a survival game, most of these tokens would be red-shirted crew members from the Starship Enterprise. The first three months of 2025 have outdone every previous attempt at spectacularly self-destructive mass innovation.

As Lee dryly pens in his April 30 tome, 2021-2023 managed a paltry 12.6% of all crypto failures in five years. But Q1 2025? It’s basically a financial Black Plague, just with more memes and fewer rats.

Spoiler: Trump Presidency, Drama, And Shocks. Try To Look Surprised

Let’s add a sprinkle of farce. Enter stage right: Donald Trump, now US President once again (the Discworld equivalent of being repeatedly chosen as Patrician after setting the city on fire). Trump’s return to office and the subsequent Bitcoin jump sent everyone into a frenzy, promptly followed by a dramatic crash that looked suspiciously like a slapstick pratfall.

March quickly made everything worse. Trump waved the “tariffs” stick and, like magic, every financial market developed a case of the hiccups. Crypto and equities danced a frenzied jig—mostly around trapdoors.


Pump.fun: The Magic Wand That Flooded The Market With Mediocrity 🪄

The start of this comedic tragedy? January 2024, when “Pump.fun” appeared, making it so anyone could create a token in less time than it takes a wizard to misplace his hat. Suddenly, millions of glistening new coins appeared, most of them about as substantial as a vampire in sunlight.

3 million new tokens arrived in 2024 alone, making 2023’s meager 835,000 look like a gentle trickle by comparison. Before Pump.fun, token failures were relatively rare, something to talk about at parties if you wanted to make people leave you alone. Now, it’s more like mosquitoes in summer: everywhere, unavoidable, and slightly itchy.


Survivor: Pump.fun Edition (Spoiler: They Don’t Survive)

Numbers worthy of a Discworld census: of all the Pump.fun tokens, a dignified 98% never make it past the vestibule. Even during the site’s best week, only 1.67% of these memecoins set foot in the open market, presumably to be immediately set upon by wolves.

CoinGecko’s Bobby Ong observed that investor excitement for memecoins evaporated faster than a puddle in Ankh-Morpork, citing the shenanigans after LIBRA’s spectacular rise and fall. Sure, there was a brief sugar rush when “Trump’s memecoin” made its debut, but the hangover came just as swiftly.

In conclusion: give everyone a magic wand and you’ll mostly get a lot of hats turning into rabbits—dead, broke rabbits. If 2025 is anything to go by, the only surviving thing in crypto might just be the schadenfreude. 🪙🐇💀

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2025-05-01 22:18