Bitcoin Bosom Bears and Whales: The Gulag of Greed and Volatility 🐳💰

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Ah, Bitcoin. BTC ($83,961)
24h volatility: 1.8%
Market cap: $1.67 T
Vol. 24h: $25.89 B

The price—so fragile, so steadfast—hovers at $83,300 this Wednesday, as if refusing both to soar to freedom or plunge into the abyss. In the faint Siberian glow of a digital dawn, a 2.7% drop in 24 hours is but a snowflake lost amid an avalanche of whale activity and the stiff-backed march of institutional buyers.

According to Ali Martinez—prophet, chronicler, or perhaps the Dostoevsky of Crypto—whales have been feasting on their gains, gnawing the marrow of profit amid a weekly 7.5% upswing. Since April 9, they have dumped more than 29,000 BTC. Imagine, comrades, $2.4 billion—enough to construct an entire miniature gulag, complete with frozen accounting ledgers and broken dreams of Lambo ownership.

Whales have been taking profits during the recent rally, offloading over 29,000 #Bitcoin $BTC since April 9.
— Ali (@ali_charts) April 16, 2025

Meanwhile, in the grim offices of Semler Scientific, stewards file with the iron-fisted SEC to issue $500 million in securities—a bureaucratic ballet, twirling endlessly, just to buy another digital coin or two! With the shadow of a $29.75 million settlement looming over them (marketing violations, the modern equivalent of counter-revolutionary pamphlets), Semler turns to Coinbase for a loan, hoisting 3,192 BTC (about $267 million) as collateral. Let no one say bureaucrats aren’t creative.

Elsewhere, Michael Saylor’s party congress acquires $285 million in Bitcoin, not with the desperation of those who flee, but the iron resolve of men who build fortresses on quicksand. The company reports $6 billion in Q1 2025 — an absurdity so grand that even the coldest Sibiryak would chuckle grimly. All to reinforce the party line: “We are bullish for eternity, comrades.”

Price Outlook—or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Volatility

On the daily BTC chart, the Bollinger Bands widen—like the walls of a cell before execution, promising chaos. The price hovers close to the middle band (the 20-day moving average—a number as arbitrary as commissar quotas). Should the price stagger above $87,100, the Party’s painters will daub “bullish momentum” across the prison wall. But—slip below $77,900, and it’s back to the mines for us all.

BTC Price chart | Source: Trading View

RSI at 49—a number with less meaning than a Soviet election result—lies flat, the market undecided, like a jury at a show trial. Should RSI rise above 55, some interpret it as divine; others reach for vodka.

Meanwhile, the MACD (known only to the initiated) timidly flirts with a bullish crossover—yet its histogram sags, exhausted from too many nights on the black market. Trading volume, too, slumps 9% to $26.8 billion, as if the collective will has gone out for a cigarette and may never return.

BTC Price chart | Source: Trading View

Resistance—unyielding, like bureaucracy—camps between $87,000 and $88,000. Yet $600 million in shorts can be liquidated if the price stirs itself to $86,900. There, the speculators huddle in the dark, waiting for the next knock on the door.

Over $600 million in short positions will face liquidation if #Bitcoin $BTC rebounds to $86,900!
— Ali (@ali_charts) April 15, 2025

Investor Evan Luthra, ever the optimist (or perhaps an inmate who hasn’t heard the latest news), trumpets his bullishness—”The squeeze is real,” he proclaims, egg in hand, predicting an imminent breakout. As always, the last laugh belongs to the market and to the KGB filekeeper who records these digital fantasies.

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2025-04-16 16:02