How Washington Could Magically Summon $100 Billion for Bitcoin 💸🐇

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If you ever thought government finance was just a lot of men in expensive suits arguing about decimals, have I got news for you. Meet Sebastian Bea, the president of Coinbase Asset Management and, apparently, a man who walks around Washington spotting billion-dollar ideas that everyone else seems too disinterested (or perhaps too busy with lunch) to notice. His latest notion? The US might soon treat its pile of gold like it discovered an old Picassso in the attic, sellotape an eye-popping new price tag on it, and go shopping for—what else?—Bitcoin, to the tune of $100 billion. All while waving at the budget deficit in the rearview mirror. 🚗💨

Bea showed up on “The Scoop” podcast, and before Frank Chaparro could reach for the coffee, he laid it out: “Sometimes ideas are so big that people just can’t hear them.” Translation: buckle up, Frank. You’re about to hear something that would send most budget committees scrambling for their stress balls.

Now, here’s where it gets fun. The US government owns 261.5 million ounces of gold and, for reasons best explained by the age of disco, it still values every glistening ounce at $42.22—a number straight out of 1973, when bell bottoms were a thing and people still trusted politicians. At current prices ($3,303 per ounce, in case your gold bars need reappraising), that’s a difference of $900 billion. As in, enough to buy a small planet or, failing that, a completely unnecessary fleet of yachts.

“If they just update that number,” Bea said, “suddenly you’ve got a $900 billion mark-to-market gain.” So, update the paperwork, and—presto!—the Treasury’s account turns from Cinderella to full-on fairy-tale princess. And what would the government do with this newfound mountain of paper wealth? Well, why not start a sovereign Bitcoin stash, obviously, because nothing says 21st-century fiscal prudence like swapping your gold for the planet’s most celebrated—and unpredictable—form of electronic magic beans.

How to Turn Old Gold Into New Bitcoin, Without Upsetting the Accountant

Bea’s idea relies on just changing a law, issuing new gold certificates, and—abracadabra!—the government suddenly has a sovereign wealth fund without anyone actually having forked out more taxpayer cash or bolted extra zeroes onto the federal debt tracker. Somewhere, an army of accounting professors is beginning to sweat nervously.

According to Bea and supporters like Senator Cynthia Lummis (whose BITCOIN Act basically reads like a bonding exercise for Congress and crypto bros), this plan could let Uncle Sam buy a million bitcoins over five years, all without setting off the national debt alarm or requiring anyone at the Treasury to skip lunch. Apparently, if the US moves first, other governments will feel a primal urge to keep up, perhaps leading to the world’s first global FOMO arms race. Somewhere, a Swiss banker is already sharpening a new pencil.

Why would central banks ever want to buy all that gold in the first place? Well, Bea says it’s all about global debt anxiety—sort of like doomsday prepping, but with bars instead of beans and Bitcoin as your digital fallout shelter. He even suggested a “ninety-to-ten” savings mix: ninety percent gold, ten percent Bitcoin, and, presumably, zero percent sleep for traditional economists everywhere.

BTC Bonanza—Any Minute Now! ⏳

Will this fever dream happen this year? Maybe, says Bea, if the right law gets nudged through by some ambitious legislator eager to become a trivia answer—or if the Treasury just gets bored of waiting for anything else interesting to happen. If you understand how bank “pipes” work, Bea says, this is all gloriously doable. The only obstacle? “Political will.” Or, as it’s better known, Congress moving at something faster than glacial speed.

In the meantime, Bitcoin was nervously checking its own price—last seen at a breezy $93,422, presumably wondering if it’s about to end up on the government’s Amazon wish list.

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2025-05-01 07:41