Don’t worry, Oblivion Remastered’s NPCs are still charmingly ugly, they’re just ugly in next-gen ways

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After completing a task back in 2016 where I had to identify the least attractive NPC in The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion, I am now embarking on a similar mission in the remastered version, known as Newblivion or Oblivion Remastered.

Last week, Tyler expressed some concerns about Newblivion’s upcoming makeover. While it’s true that some characters from the 20-year-old RPG are less than attractive, they have a certain endearing quality. It wouldn’t feel right if everyone in Cyrodiil suddenly became good-looking in the remaster. After all, this is Oblivion we’re talking about, not Inzoi.

My concern was whether they would turn Starfieldy: with so many generic characters in Bethesda’s space RPG, they’ve all merged together in my memory, leaving only the vague recollection of perhaps two or three distinct faces despite investing over 100 hours in that game. Will this remaster erase the quirky appearances of Oblivion’s eccentrics and transform them into an agreeable but forgettable sea of sameness?

Thankfully, neither Tyler’s nor mine concerns proved to be valid. As I dashed about Cyrodiil (now you can sprint!), peering quite rudely at people from a mere millimeter away, it didn’t take long for me to realize that the next-gen NPCs of Newblivion differ noticeably from their previous versions—they’re certainly not attractive, and there are still plenty of peculiar, striking, and somewhat unsettling faces. In essence, they’re still quite ugly, just in a different way. (Interestingly, I found during my initial research that there are many well-mannered looking individuals as well.)

Initially exiting the sewers of Newblivion with an elderly man’s necklace tucked away, my first destination was Bruma. There I encountered Jorck the Outcast, whom I had once mockingly called King Ugly in 2016. However, in this remastered version, Jorck no longer sports the peculiar, minuscule fish-like mouth that was located too far from his oversized nose as I described in 2016, nor does he have a face that appears to stretch abnormally when speaking, resembling a piece of fleshy saltwater taffy.

In the remaster, he doesn’t have an appealing appearance. He seems more like a man who has gone through some tough times, perhaps someone named Dylan who’s been heartbroken after spending his rent money on a guitar he can’t play. He’s been crying for days straight. Yet, it’s slightly disheartening that he doesn’t appear as a grotesque amalgamation of mismatched features, as one might expect in a nightmarish fashion.

No more jumpscare the first time you talk to Jorck? This did not bode well.

In my initial visit, I found Logvaar from the Jerall View Inn unattractive. However, upon revisiting him, I noticed a significant improvement in his likeness to the original character. While he was less quirky and more unsettling this time around, the change from large brown eyes to small, almost white blue ones was notable. In essence, both versions are equally unappealing to me.

Upcoming destination: Newheim the Unpleasant, who was not especially large in the initial portrayal and may even be leaner currently. While he was innocuously unappealing before, he now exudes a more menacing unattractiveness. Notably, his eyes remain somewhat unsettling, making prolonged conversation undesirable. I endorse this change.

In my travels, I noticed that people’s appearances have changed significantly compared to before, yet they still exhibit an unusual charm. Mouths appear excessively large and hollow, while faces sometimes seem unusually bumpy. They bear little resemblance to the original Oblivion, but I find these peculiar features appealing for unique reasons.

Here’s a gallery of some of my favorite new beautiful uggos.

After a bit of adjustment, I believe this is exactly what I had hoped for. I wasn’t aiming for scorching or dull, and it certainly isn’t that. The refreshed faces retain their unique charm, though now with an enjoyable twist to them.

After that topic, let’s move on to the main subject. Those who might have read my initial piece (it’s unlikely anyone is a fan of it) are now curious about one question: Chris, could it be that you grew tired of your photography task and subsequently became obsessed with Imperial City musician Salomon Geonette once more? Did you trail him, search through his possessions, watch him sleep, and then stay outside his door for 13 consecutive days to track him on his monthly trip to Bruma where he was tragically attacked by a wolf while you remained unmoved?

Oh, absolutely not! I merely waited outside his door for eight days this time around, before I managed to accompany him to Bruma.

In Oblivion, I occasionally recommend taking leisurely strolls, and these are even more enjoyable given the recent enhancement of its beautiful scenery. During one such walk, there was an unexpected moment when Geonette, who had been avoiding me for a while, spun around and came towards me, ready to fight.

It turned out that the being he was interacting with was a mischievous creature I had failed to notice earlier. Geonette, who had no weapons on hand, delivered three swift punches to the imp, uttering “You’re pitiful!” before resuming his travel.

Wow, Salomon! It appears that the true upgrade isn’t just about the game remaster, but it seems you’ve transformed from a clumsy fool into quite a fighter! Unfortunately, his victory over a small winged creature inflated his ego, and when he attempted similar tactics against a heavily armed marauder near Sercen, he was slashed, fled, was captured, and ultimately met his demise.

It appears that certain aspects remain constant. Twenty years on, the inhabitants of Oblivion continue to exhibit peculiar appearances, and Salomon Geonette still finds it difficult to reach Bruma without meeting an untimely demise along the way.

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2025-04-23 21:48